I'm back after repeatedly hovering my fingertips over the same inviting keyboard keys that once formed the very foundations of this web space, only to be barricaded by the growing mass of ink my school planner holds.
So yes, I am back. And I want to kick things off with an explanation.
I have two theories.
One: Life has become all-round increasingly hectic (a perfectly legitimate excuse).
Two: Small events on my personal timeline have held an increased weighting as of late, resulting in an increased number of ambition-less recuperation days.
I desperately want to openly cross my heart and admit to the first of the two, but I am going to place my palms high in the air, and sure-footedly admit that it is in fact, the latter.
These past few weeks have surfaced into a hazy blur of late nights, early mornings; bored teachers and stifling bus journeys. I have been so consumed with the mundane basics of life that I have under-appreciated the silver linings gracing my existence.
At 15, I am being made to consider the foundations of my future. At 15, I am being asked to consider whether to take A-Levels or the International Baccalaureate Diploma; whether to go to college or to apply for an apprenticeship: decisions that will supposedly form the basics of my future.
There are simply so many questions. What options I want to study. What university I want to apply to. What I want to spend the rest of my life doing.
What I want. What I would like to do. What I am going to do.
But the truth is, what I truly want is to throw myself into the moment and forget about the future. Because I know that life throws adventures and alternating paths at you every single day. What temporary decisions I make now probably won't have any weighting in the future. But in this current segment of time, in this segment of time where my future is looming upon the horizon, stained with ambiguity and questions, these decisions seem pretty mighty.
As a result of many petty year 11 assemblies carrying messages about paving your way into the future, I am overwhelmed by such small-scaled labours to the extent that I cannot fathom adding another task into the chaotic whirlpool of my existence.
My troubles and ventures; the hazy confinements of being youthful and the blurry line stretching between perusing the future and living the in present, most likely seem meagre to others. Teenage drama, I guess you could say.
But the truth, this teenage drama-submerged between the W and the L of the whirlpool that I like to refer to as the chaotic whirlpool of adolescence, is that I do not know any different. It may seem selfish, or ignorant, or pathetic. But this truth, that I do not know any different, is correct.
Because everything in life is relative. What I label as struggles: surplus revision timetables gracing my desk and looming exams, are relative to my situation. Sit me next to somebody else and my 'struggles' will drown in the whirlpool of their own.
But I like to think that this does not make my own insignificant. Everything is relative, and so is the impact of my own conundrums.
Because I repeat: the smallest of things; the sound of a clock ticking or the impact of an avalanche, exist in different ratios of relativity.
I'm not quite sure how much sense that makes, or whether it can truly be applied. But it comforts me in the sense that if I can ignore my troubles, they can, subconsciously, in my own head, cease to exist.
My struggles are relative to my consciousness: they are only in existence if I am aware of them as struggles.
These struggles; the pressures of school, friendships, lack of sleep and the general frustrations that have prevented me from fully immersing myself in the blogging world of late, are all relative. So I have now decided that this 'chaotic whirlpool of adolescence', no matter how much it drags me under, spitting water into my lungs and endlessly circling me, will from now on, exist only as a questionable analogy as long as I am aware of it.
I can choose to forget about this analogy and my struggles, but how?
Time, perhaps the most common and solid thread between us all, is also relative. We can make the use of our time completely relative. Does time exist as an object of consciousness itself, or is it a global exception? I'm not too sure. But how, you repeat.
How? From now on time will become relative to me. From now on, my use of time will be more organised, excused of procrastination and decidedly more focused. Because I absolutely love this blogging thing we have going here, and do I hell want to throw it away because of the chaotic whirlpool of adolescence.
So, yes, I'm back. Back, no longer letting the chaotic whirlpool of adolescence carry me afloat on top of its tides, happily content with its own direction out of my control, but back, swimming against the current of my own chaotic whirlpool of adolescence and fighting for a space.
I'm back. De-knotted and focused: aware and conscious. From the depths of my consciousness to the summit of my awareness, I'm back.