Monday, 22 June 2015

Let's re-affirm.

It's been 2 months and 20 days, and I think we should re-affirm. I'm Lauryn and I am 15 years old. I finished the last of my 21 exams 5 days ago, and since have not picked up a pen. 

My thoughts are deliriously antagonistic. 

Happily I retract from self-induced study headaches, the lull in meaningful exploration and peaks in selfishness. But I crave again the wild expansion in worldly knowledge, the hush of nervous energy, the chaos of cramming with friends.

I am numb though not exhausted, empty though not unfulfilled. 

These past two months and twenty days have been an accumulation of many thoughts and new ideas. My days have been blurred: a whirl of hours and weeks. Muddling dreams and hot tea have accompanied my thoughts as my self doubts cast shadows denser than others expectations. Heavy with thought, I have spent nights both salty-lipped, internally shutting down, and evenings discussing the truer things in life, words held alive by summer evening sunshine. I have been so, very, very tired yet so, very, very alive. I have questioned often whether life is a case of being out of place or of failing to search in the right place, and whether natural acts of coincidence are fate or imagination. 

And so, I am in a very conflicted state of mind right now. This is a stage of monumental progression: I am free from exams, tomorrow I get my braces off, prom is in 5 days and I am entrusted with an 11 week summer to further my personal development. But this overwhelming expectation to progress initiates points of regression: until I receive my results, the work is meaningless and so, until I find a purpose, these 11 weeks are wasted. 

The end of the exam period has saturated my body with an animated freedom yet carved a deep gash into my motivation. Up until last week, my life possessed a strict regime of exams and work. But now, sat here, I am lacking an immediate purpose and again crave regime and new knowledge to fill a gap previously fulfilled. 

Humanity falls into ruts of both lacking and desiring things, both of which are essentially indistinguishable, dependant on your outlook. I lacked an insight to the end of exams, something which I also heavily desired, though now,  I both lack and desire an end to my meaningless meanders of expression. It reminds me of a poem that I've always savoured:

I Was Dying

First I was dying to finish high school and start college.
And then I was dying to finish college and start working.
And then I was dying to marry and have children.
And then I was dying for my children to grow old enough for school so I could return to work.
And then I was dying to retire.
And now, I am dying...and suddenly I realise I forgot to live. 

-Anonymous (Submitted by Nicole Zablocki)

Here's to a refined purpose.


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