Friday, 8 September 2017

on change.

Change is approaching. I feel the tremors of dawning beginnings and the reluctant departure of old habits in every conversation, in every message. In a week’s time, my friends and I begin to leave for university. Our web of familiarity will disperse amongst the onrush of our new lives and new priorities, the laughter of our sixth form days slowly fading into the distant past. More than perhaps anything else, the thought of this support network hollowing beneath my feet is carving a worrying gash into my own excitement for change.

Yesterday, I read Marina Keegan’s essay, The Opposite of Loneliness; her words, describing “that time we did, we went, we saw, we laughed, we felt” formed a mimicry of my own reflections on this summer. Its been a long, meandering few months, but I have felt so much. Some of my most cherished memories are those where I’ve just been in the presence of others, not necessarily doing anything, but just being: car journeys shouting the wrong lyrics; sweaty afternoons spent lazing in a park; evenings talking nonsense over shitty cocktails in Wetherspoons. These fragments of moments, some caught briefly in photos and others simply caught in time, colour the thread of comfort which has woven my summer.

Yet, my mind is gradually unfurling, opening onto the prospects of new ideas, new people, new comforts. I am excited to shift the sense of stagnancy I've accumulated, stumbling across the thresholds of each day waiting for a certain kind of refreshment. I want to slip into my old academic grooves and retrieve a sense of mental clarity, typing manically at 1am on a tangent and smiling as I underline little quirks on age-stained pages. Weirdly, I yearn to feel the pressure of deadlines and exhausted delirium of academia. They are familiar, if odd, comforts which reassure me that reality is never too far away. 

Change is fast approaching, and I suppose I’m finding it hard moving between the grooves.


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